13 Things I Wish I Knew Before Our First Foster Care Placement

We've only had three placements to date.  We are no experts by any means, but we have learned quite a bit in our first few placements.  First of all, we are in the process of some bigger life changes, so we are taking a break and regrouping before starting again.  Starting again?  Are we crazy?  Nope...just following the leading of the Holy Spirit.  We were told to go down this path of foster care/adoption, and that's what we're doing!

Our placements were hard, difficult, and made us want to quit.  Our friends and family didn't understand.  We were stressed a lot.  To be fair, my husband had been in a car accident and was in a lot of pain, leaving a lot of the home chores to me.  He had surgery the month after our first two placements.  Talk about stressful!  Aaaaaand......we're doing it all over again.  Hopefully without the car accident and surgery this time around.

With that, I will include a few things I wish I knew before our first placement.  I don't know if these weren't told to us, or we just didn't get it or hear it at the time, but here are some things I wish we would have known:

1. Practice what you'll initially say to a new little one, but be prepared for them to not respond the way you envision.  When we picked up our first placement, he was uninterested that we were even there.  The second placement just talked and talked all the way home, without me getting a word in and then did his own thing without me ever really officially greeting him.  The third one started acting up immediately without a word.  Each child will respond differently to their situation and circumstance, and process it differently.  We introduced ourselves by our first name, unless they decided they wanted to call us something different.  
2. There will be more appointments and visits and more appointments that you would ever dream possible.  In our state of California (county of L.A.), you have to take the child in for a well-visit exam within seven days of them being placed with you.  You need to take them to the HUB for their exam, where you don't know if you'll get seen today or not.  Think of an Urgent Care system where you are lowest priority.  Visits with bio-parents are typically a minimum of once a week for a few hours.  You'll need to drive them there (wherever they determine "there" should be) and pick them up again after.  There are visits with the social workers in your home or maybe away often.  Most of the time, there are daily phone calls for the child to connect with their bio-parents that you need to monitor as well.  Basically your time is not your own.  
3. You may have social worker visits in your home right away, or rarely.  Don't be scared by either outcome.  If you go through an agency, they will check your home regularly to make sure it is maintained.  We're not talking laundry and dishes, we're talking smoke alarms, milk in the fridge, food in the pantry, nothing harmful around the home, chemicals are put away, meds are locked up, etc.  With our first placement, the boys' social worker never did visit our home.  The second one we had two visits.
4. It can feel very unofficial.  "Hey!  Can you go pick up this child from another foster home?  Just text us when you have him."  Our first placement was at least in the office.  That felt a little more official, except you walk out with another child you are now responsible for, grasping your hand.  Our second placement we picked up from another foster home and texted our social worker when he was in our care.  The third placement was delivered to our home.  A friend told us he picked a foster child up from Denny's once.  You just never know where and when these transfers will occur.
5. You'll need to stand up for yourself.  A lot.  We were initially advised not to, and then told we should never have to monitor the bio-parents' visits.  That changed.  The bio-parents were only available on Sundays.  Sundays were the only days we had said were off limits.  We compromised right off the bat....bad mistake.  Because no social workers were available on Sundays, it was then up to us to monitor these three-hour-long visits and watch them interact, making notes.  This put us in a very awkward position to have to tell the bio-parents not to do something, or get off of their phone, or not to feed them so much sugar.  The parent that birthed this child is being "scolded" for lack of a better word, by the foster parents.  Don't compromise for your own sake and sanity.  And don't agree to monitor visits.  Just words of wisdom there.
6. It takes awhile for a child to adjust.  There is what they call the honeymoon period that usually lasts about three months or so.  Initially they will be fairly good, but as they get comfortable, they start to act up.  And they don't have a lot of information on when they get to go home, so their situation starts to seem permanent and they just don't get it.
7. Speaking of information, be prepared to not get the full scoop, for misinformation to come your way more often than not, and for communication to be non-existent.  Social workers do not reveal all of the details of the case to foster parents.  If they do share, they may outright lie right to you.  Take information shared with a grain of salt, and know that you are there to watch the child and help get them to reunification.  Details of the case are kept hidden.
8. Unless you have a specific age range, you will rarely be 100% prepared for everything you need.  Clothes sizes won't be exactly what they need, diaper sizes might be different, shoes, supplies, and comfort items will be different than what you planned.  Our first placement loved Mickey Mouse.  Once we discovered this, we put a lot of Mickey items in his room.  Plan a trip to the store right after you pick up your child.  Let them pick out something special to them.
9. Your things will be destroyed. If you value grandma's vase, you might want to put that away.  Kids are kids.  And kids who don't know the rules (or know them and ignore them), will break them.  They can be rough and rowdy.  We've had wood chairs snapped, holes in our door, holes in the wall, pee all over the carpet, broken nic-nacs, and plenty of other items that were destroyed.  
10. They may be your friend one minute, and your enemy the next.  They've been through so much and you don't know what will remind them of a negative situation or memory or a positive one.  Be prepared for outbursts (in the middle of the store with you on the floor hugging them, trying to comfort them) and sad moments (when they cry on their bed but refuse to be comforted).  
11. Social workers are very overwhelmed.  Don't be surprised if they don't respond right away, or ever.  Keep at it.  They will try to make you do things you don't want to or that are just outright unfair.  They have so much going that they don't necessarily care about your schedule or what is inconvenient for you.  Speak up for yourself.  Be nice but firm.
12. You'll fall in love.  You'll soon realize these kids need so much love.  Regardless of their home situation, they need a hug (if they'll let you), words of affirmation, and extra attention.  
13. Your friends won't understand why you are doing this to yourself.  Some may say you must be doing this for the money.  Some may tell you they could never do this.  Some will look at you with pity.  Some may just shake their heads.  You'll question yourself and your abilities at some point.  You'll want to give up.  But when you feel as if you can't go on, that is exactly what these kids need...someone who won't give up on them, even when it's hard beyond what you think you are capable of.  They need someone to care, to cry when they leave, to be sad they are gone, to pray for them.

While I realize a lot of these points are negative, my guess is if you are considering foster care, you already have the compassion side ready to go.  Take these points to heart, but keep your compassion for the little ones in your care.  Love on them, let them know they are special and wanted.  Keep your passion, but be aware that there are challenges ahead as well. 

Why Is There A Cracker On My Light? And Other Head Scratchers

"Why is there a cracker on my light?"  I asked today.  "I don't know," one of them offered, "Maybe the bird took it up there."  The bird?  As in our pet bird?  The one that probably weighs less than the cracker itself?

No, my dear son.  It wasn't the bird.  But asking who did it will only lead to blank stares.  It's like an unspoken code between the three of them to not rat the other one out.  They have probably crawled into one of their many forts together and had a #brocode meeting where they swear to each other not to tell Mom who does what.  Leave her guessing.  Yes, that is how we'll survive.  To get in to the club, you must do one random thing to drive her crazy.  "Oh!  I know!  Go stick a cracker on the light!  That should do it.  We got your back, bro."

Is this a battle I need to win?  What does it matter that it's there as long as one of the culprits gets it down.  Choose your battles.  I repeat this to myself often.

Over the years, I've come to the conclusion that there will be many head-scratchers that we would love to know the answer to.  You know, who stuck the poopy diaper to the wall, smearing it up the wall.  Or who stuck the cucumber pieces in my shoe.  How the fresh roll of toilet paper is now soaking wet in the toilet bowl.  Or the now pee-soaked towels.  Who keeps forgetting to flush the toilet.  Or when the toothpaste made its way to the ceiling of the bathroom.  Or why the neighbor just showed up to return little boys clothes to us discovered in his backyard.  I could ask, fight, plead, prod, punish, reward, or do any number of sweet-talk dances with them, but in the end....it really doesn't matter.

It's one of the stories I get to tell about life with boys.  It's another giggle at night with my husband.  It's some unspoken #brocode.

But just out of curiosity, one time at least, I'd love to know who was creative enough to get it up there, what their thought pattern was, and why.  Just why.

Homeschooling Boys

When we embarked on this homeschooling journey six years ago, I had no idea what I was in for, what I was to discover, and what I would learn about kids and more specifically, boys.  But over the years I have come to find the very things I was telling them not to do, are some of the things they need to do to learn and study and succeed.

I've been to homeschooling conventions, read books, and listened to seminars and used online resources.  I've read books on boys, and after having a few boys of my own, watched my kids succeed and grow.  While I don't claim to know it all, or even part of it for that matter, especially since mine are still relatively young (8th, 5th and 3rd grades), I have gleaned a few little nuggets over the years that I'll share with you.

One of the biggest problems with public or private schools for boys is the sheer amount of sitting involved, followed by the need to have quiet, and finished up with limited hands-on activities and more importantly, breaks.  Boys are hard-wired to need to move, make noises, and do what is being talked about.  Truth be told, I would have a hard time sitting through a typical school-day and it's supposedly geared toward me...a fellow female.  Schools aren't horrible and they serve their purpose.  I'm not anti-school.  However, test scores prove that girls thrive in that environment and boys are increasingly not.

One homeschool seminar I attended was with a doctor who studies the brains of boys and girls in different environments.  He shared with us such helpful tips and tricks and insightful information (such as some of the above information on schools), and I also discovered more in his books.  Here are a few ideas he had relayed to us:

• Boys have delayed reaction to information.  They need time to process, to take a break, and sift through the information.  They can take days longer than girls to connect their feelings to words.  
• Boys use more logic than emotion.  Males are highly intelligent when they are problem solving.  
• Boys express and expel emotions physically.  Not as much of their brain is used for emotions as girls.  
• Physical movement for boys can help stimulate an emotional response.  Sitting and talking is not easy for them to access their words.  

Along with this information, he presented to us a few practical ideas and tips to help a boy learn their best.

• Repetitive tapping, while driving females next to insane, actually helps a boy process the information.  Think of it as a compliment!  
• Boys need to get up and about often.  
• Teach to their learning style.  Many boys are hands-on learners.  
• Let them fiddle while listening.  
• Boys need to zone out periodically.  Their brains shut down all the way, except to keep them alive.  They are not processing information at this time like a girls' brain does.  They are "recharging" in a way.  

Another speaker I listened to had these words of advice for boys when learning:

• Most boys don't hear softer sounds as well as girls.  Think of a soft spoken teacher in a noisy classroom.  If you speak loud enough for the boys to hear, the girls think you are yelling at them.  Classrooms can be set up for failure for a boy.
• Boys make repetitive noise instinctively.  This drives girls crazy. 
• Boys draw verbs such as bullets flying, and girls draw nouns like houses and horses.  How we see the world is how we communicate.  Boys are about action.
• Let boys stand at the counter and do math, without limiting them to a single working space.  Make chairs optional.  
• Let boys hurt each other.  If they don't, they'll hurt themselves.  
• Make studying a game, but make sure it is possible to win.  

Does this make it sound like a typical classroom is an impossible environment for a boy to succeed in yet?  It's not impossible, but very difficult.  And I would be very proud of the ones who make it through with flying colors.  They pushed through and persevered despite the odds stacked against them.  When setting up your homeschool classroom or space, and when teaching, keep these things in mind.

Personally, these tips changed the way we homeschool...and with it my boys have thrived.  I have one child who has been known to read upside down on the couch, with his feet on the wall above the couch, his head on the cushion.  He roams the house when I read, but is the first one to recount the details of what I just said or read.  Another one designs mazes for us to complete while I'm reading, or plays Legos.  And another one colors or fiddles with an object.  We have a table for them to sit at when they do their schoolwork but it is extremely rare for them to actually use it.  More often than not, they are on a bed, a couch, the floor, or have made a fort to do schoolwork in.  I let them tap and it drives me crazy.  We take breaks after breaks after breaks.  I've tried both ways, sitting still and being up and about, and I can honestly say that they retain so much more when they are actively doing something.  We have exercise balls, bean bags, and pillows and blankets as our "chairs."  They have been known to do schoolwork on the trampoline, and when they get too wiggly, we break.  I have them re-tell me what I read or said, and have them re-tell me what they read too.  Many of our subjects are hands-on.

We have an non-traditional "school" here, but we have made an environment where the boys thrive.  We have a lot to learn still, but creating this space for them now, has helped them grasp concepts and understand far better than they did when we tried to do "school at home."  We, as homeschoolers, have the privilege of teaching our kids how they learn best.  Why do we try to create the same environment we are trying to shift away from?  Learning comes in so many forms, not just textbooks.  We have tried our hardest to create a learning environment for the boys to excel.

Finding Happiness In A Messy House

"My house looks like I'm losing a game of Jumanji."  I wish I knew who originally said this so I could tell them how much these words made me giggle, and cry.

I used to be embarrassed at the condition of my home.  I dashed around like a mad-woman in sheer terror to pick up and clean the second someone said they were dropping by.  I panicked.  I turned into a psychotic clean-o-matic capable of screaming, shoving cleaning supplies in my kids' hands, and a little bit of head-spinning mixed with amazing agility and speed, such as had never quite been seen before.  That sticky spot on the kitchen floor that's been there for a week?  Gone in a second.  The bird poop on the back of the chair that I hadn't got around to yet?  Vanished in a swipe.  Those totes and tubs that need to get to the garage?  Picked up, and with a spin to grab that dirty sock on the way, placed in the correct spot on the shelf.

And then....I could shut it off as quickly as I turned it on, and smile with a calm disposition (while trying not to show them that I was still out of breath from my previous calisthenics), and greet the human at my door like a civilized adult.  Would you like a cup of hot chocolate?  Perhaps to sit on my freshly cleaned sofa?  Would you like to see the top of my ceiling fan?  Or would you like to visit my clean bathroom?  Just don't open that closet door over there....


I did this until one day I realized five things:
1.  I was trying to show others that I was someone I wasn't.  I was putting on a show.
2.  I was comparing myself to all of the other mom's homes I had visited that looked like magazines.
3.  We homeschool.  Unless you have discovered the magic code, all homeschoolers have messy homes.  (If you have discovered the magic code, please share.)
4.  My kids are seeing a Jekyll and Hyde side of me that shows them that we behave one way at home, and a completely other way when friends come to visit. 
5. I was a maniac.

Living in a messy house means we lived here.  We did life together.  Our priorities were with each other.  While I agree that we should maintain a certain level of cleanliness for bacteria's sake, and we should try to get to those spaces that can border on disease-breeding playgrounds, we can also get dangerously close to our home being an idol.

When I look around at a messy house, and all of the things to be put away, it reminds me again to live life.  That puzzle that now has pieces strung across the floor?  It was fun to put together with three little boy hands.  That cup in the living room that never got picked up?  It was a treat to watch that movie with the boys and break the no-food-in-the-living-room rule.  The dirty sock on the floor?  What a joy to remember the boys shedding their clothes to run outside to play in the water with laughs and shouts of glee.

I'm not advocating we become hoarders and sit lazily around watching the house become a junk yard.  But I am saying let's be real.  Our homes are where we (hopefully) spend time with our loved ones and make memories to last our lifetimes.  I asked my teenager the other day what things I say to him regularly.  He said, "Do the dishes."  "Really?" I asked him.  He followed up with, "And I love you."  Phew!  At least he followed up.  I want him to remember the fun times, the things I said with love, the words spoken that bring life and love to their hearts.  Maybe I'll just add some twinkle lights around the house and call it "retro."

This reminds me of the story of Mary and Martha from Matthew 10:38-42. "As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!' ^'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'"  Martha was so worried about the appearance of her home that she neglected the most important thing, the thing that could give her happiness and life...Jesus.  

I pray that my boys know that our home may not be perfect or clean, but it's the love we share together and with our Savior that matters most.  We do attempt to keep up on the things that help us live in cleanliness like dishes, and laundry, and bathrooms.  But everything else can wait when we are spending our time as a family, together. 

If you come to visit now, please know that in our home we do life.  Push those crumbs to the side of the table, move the basket of laundry to be folded over on the couch, and don't open any closet doors for your own safety.  But join in on our shenanigans!  Sit down with us while we chat with you!  Let's enjoy each others' company and talk about the things of the Lord.  

It's A Boy's Life

I love our life with three boys.  While they are a loud, rowdy, and a somewhat stinky bunch, I'm glad I have them.  God gave me these dudes and my life sure has grown with these guys in it.  Psalm 127:3-5 says, "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.  Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one’s youth.  Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.  They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court."

Boys have so many sides to them.  The tough, rough, and tumbly side.  And the caring, sweet, and I'll-pick-my-mom-flowers-every-time-I-take-the-dogs-for-a-walk side.

I'll take it.

Just two nights ago, they had a wrestling match with their dad on the living room floor.  It was brutal in my eyes.  I've learned over the years that not only do they LIKE this, they ASK for it and even bond over it.  They know to leave Mom out of it.  I usually sit and watch them with a why-is-this-fun-to-you expression frozen on my face.  To me, it hurts.  It's pain and suffering, and not an ounce of fun.  But I'm not a boy, and sometimes you just gotta let the boys do their boy things.

Body noises come with the territory.  It's funny.  Every time.  To them.  While I have to reel them back in from time to time when it gets way too out of hand, they could laugh about this all day long.  They get in trouble when they try something at the table, or in public, but at home, they can be themselves within reason....and I guess these noises, and consequently smells, just come with the territory.

Dirt and stink are just part of it all.  How many times have we been ready to leave and I look outside at the three of them, shirtless, jumping on the trampoline with the sprinkler underneath?  Wet, dirty from the dust, and far from ready to walk out the door.  At least there was water.  Perhaps that could count as their shower for the day?  And stink.  Stinky feet, stinky sports gear, stinky bodily functions, stinky everything. 

I have to remind them to shower, use soap, flush (!), clean their rooms, wear deodorant, and even brush their teeth.  Even at their current teen and pre-teen ages, brushing their teeth seems to be an optional thing.  Like choosing to nap, or take a walk, or visit a friend, or fix a broken toy.  They don't seem to deem it necessary to accomplish daily, so they don't do it.  It's up to Mom to remind them, apparently.  They would have done well as cave-men.

Each of the boys get to go on a date with their mom around once a month or so.  They have learned from their Dad how to treat a lady, and they take it seriously.  They open my doors, offer to pay for our treat, pick me flowers, watch out for me.  They treat me special, like a lady.  As a mom of boys, I really am treated like a princess in my own home.

Manners and organization?  Oh dear, sweet, future daughter-in-laws.  I try.  I really try.

We teach the boys to put on the Armor of God so they can be warriors in this world, we've learned about the Code of Chivalry last year in school, their Dad leads by example, and we teach scripture to them so they know how to behave in light of God's Word.  3 John 1:4 says, "I have no greater joy than to hear that my children are walking in the truth."

While I have so much to learn about the boy world, I have learned so much already.  I'm not perfect, and I'm sure I'll look back at the mistakes I made in raising them.  But I do try hard and with God's help.

I love my three sons.

Rest When Waiting On The Lord

Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object we're waiting for.  –Charles Stanley

So many times, our natural instincts and desires are to run from one thing to the next.  Or to be impatient and decide to press forward on our own, without the help of God.  We live one step ahead of God, not wanting to wait for His perfect timing.  It is dangerous to continue like this. Our hearts never have a chance to rest or be at peace if we are constantly in action and moving.  And we teeter on being just outside of His will when we push faster than what God's plan is for us.  

Waiting is a good thing.  There is joy and peace in the waiting.  In the rest.  In the times of peace and tranquility and silence.  There is purpose in it.  We need to obey when God has us rest from ministry, from sports, from activities, from the go-go-go mentality.  These things in themselves are not bad things.  But when they take precedence over God's instruction to wait and slow down, they become bad things.  The word "wait" or a version of it, is in the Bible 180 times.  That is pretty significant.  Here are just a few:

Psalms 27:13-14   I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living! Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!

Psalms 37:34  Wait for the LORD and keep his way, and he will exalt you to inherit the land; you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

Proverbs 3:5-6  Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Isaiah 30:18   Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.

Isaiah 40:31   but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.

Lamentations 3:25   The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.

Micah 7:7   But as for me, I will look to the LORD; I will wait for the God of my salvation; my God will hear me.

Acts 1:4   And while staying with them he ordered them not to depart from Jerusalem, but to wait for the promise of the Father

Just as it is good for our bodies to take a break from foods or activities for fasting purposes, it's good for our bodies to take a break from things that can easily become idols in our lives.  Those things that become more of a priority in our hearts than God himself, even ministry.   Isaiah 40:31 says that those who wait on the Lord will renew their strength.  Renewal can only come when we are quiet and still.  We have seasons of doing and seasons of rest.  Those seasons can last many years, or last only a short while.  Our bodies were designed for rest.  He requires that we take one out of seven days a week to rest and renew ourselves.  Eight hours a night, once a week for Sabbath, vacations, and seasons God chooses for us.  

In the stillness, silence, and quiet is when we can hear His voice.  If we're too busy moving and going and doing, His voice is quieted and we can't hear him.  

Sometimes God will give us a choice of waiting, and if we choose not to, stress and anxiety can easily set in.  Sometimes He won't give us a choice, which can come in many forms, but think of health, family needs, disaster, to name a few.  When we wisely choose to deliberately rest and not push and shove our way through life and His promises, peace and joy are at work.  We move in time with Him.   "I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry" Psalm 40:1.  We need to wait patiently.

God's timing is rarely our timing.  We've had many opportunities to force the door open on many occasions, knowing what God promised, but decided to wait instead for His perfect timing.  When we push too hard, too fast, many times what we were hoping for wasn't quite ready, or we miss out on blessings on the other side because of our impatience.  My mom used to say, "If you don't hear from God to move, then wait."  Silence the outside voices and choose God's timing.

"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope" Psalm 130:5. Thankful for his peace, hope, joy, and so much rest in the waiting, so our strength can be renewed for the tasks ahead.